I feel trapped.
There are any number of things I want to write about in my blogs and facebook notes that I don't feel like I can or should.
Let me back up a bit.
What is a writer without his audience? Does a voice matter in a vacuum, or is it the listeners that validate its existence and make it worth listening to? Is it worth writing when no one reads?
Normally I'd say the subject matter of a writer's musings is irrelevant to the discussion of these questions, but in my case, the subject matter is of crucial concern.
Y'see, I live in a very red state, and my less-than-very-red opinions are not very popular here. My "audience," as it were, is pretty much restricted to a small geographic, as well as a very small set of very similar opinions. Sure, there's a few exceptions, but should my real opinions be expressed and prove repugnant to those who do not share them, I could ultimately be left with that few as my audience.
Some would say that I'd just need to say what I feel and find a new audience if needed. Sounds simple enough, but for a social anemic like myself, the prospect of finding a new audience (which I equate with making new friends) is terrifying. But I suppose they're right. It sucks to admit that fear is the main thing holding you back from doing what you want, but there you go. Now I just got to figure out how to get over myself.
In other news, can we talk about how much I hate New Year's resolutions?
So much.
u just gotta say it like it is and not sugar coat it, just be real, dont let fake people ruin ur dreams!
ReplyDeleteBut really, I could throw any number of encouraging maxims (or erstwhile-encouraging clichés) at you, i.e. "those who matter don't mind...", "speak your mind even if your voice shakes", etc. You may well have more readers than you think - I evidently have thirty-something people following me on google reader and hardly anyone leaves comments. And I write about what seems like nonsense half the time!
Yeah, that's nice and all, but here's the real beef;
ReplyDeleteThe blog was originally going to be my stance on gay marriage and whatnot, 'cause at the time I think I had read some rather discouraging news about the matter, and I wanted to vent my opinions. My brain suddenly stopped me before I could write it saying, "But aren't you planning on telling your family about this blog so they can read it some time?" I thought, "Oh yeah, that's right. They surely wouldn't like finding out I'm for gay marriage." Then this post happened as a result of my frustration.
Sure, I can bank on you lending a sympathetic ear, but who else? I already got into a fierce argument with my grandparents because I told them I voted for Obama, and my best friend (since fifth grade) got into an argument with me regarding gay marriage during the whole Prop 8 debacle. And it's not even that nobody agrees with me and I have nothing but arguments when politics are brought up, but it's the fact that nobody wants to be informed! They subsist on Fox News and Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity and whenever I bring up a different source WHOOPS BECK AND HANNITY AND FOX HAVE ALREADY TOLD THEM THAT MY SOURCE CAN'T BE TRUSTED SO DON'T BELIEVE IT. My friend's argument against Prop 8 basically boiled down to "Well the Book of Mormon says we should make sure the government passes righteous laws but I've never encountered a real life gay person and plus gays are icky." Any time I argue against these people I end up sounding like a heathen and I get visions of everyone discussing me like I'm a problem.
Today my Mom told me about a "fascinating" program Glenn Beck put on about Black conservatives and how they're basically the most persecuted group in America. The entire implication of the show (as usual) was that the only reason more black people aren't conservative is because they are lazy, slothful, dependent on the government, and willfully ignorant and uneducated. I didn't even bother arguing against it because I knew it would result in another inflamed argument and hurt feelings like when she found out I said something about her politics on facebook. But the whole idea of the show just made me so mad and I don't have a sympathetic ear to talk to.
ANYWAY, you're probably familiar with all these feelings, so I'm probably preaching to the choir. How do you get over this stuff? I've never lived outside of Utah, so all I've ever known is this oppressive conservative atmosphere. My only major release is when I get to go to college, but I still don't know anybody there.
To rope it all back together, I guess, having more readers isn't too important to me, but having readers who I can then discuss things (intelligently) with afterwards in the comments or on facebook. And I don't see myself being able to do that if I chase away my current readership through the horror of "differing opinions." Maybe I'm scared of confrontation or contention when I shouldn't be. I still have a good relationship with my Mom and friend, but I was raised on the whole "contention is the spirit of the devil" belief, and for some reason that stuck with me vigorously. So now I spend most of my time trying to avoid confrontation with my family and friends. I think it's unhealthy, but it's so ingrained in my personality now that I don't know any other way of behaving.
Wow, this should have been a separate blog post of its own. Sorry for the rant. Just so mad and frustrated right now.
First off, I hate resolutions too.
ReplyDeleteSecond off, I see where you are coming from. Maybe from writing a book of my own right now and with how long it is, I wonder sometimes if others would accept my story or if it is too much like someone elses.
I have found that if you just write to write for you, it is enough for now. Sure it is plunging into the unknown of nonacceptance or something like unto it, but at least you are enjoying writing, and if you enjoy it, why worry what others think?
At least it is easy to say. ;P